A Guy's Guide to Surviving PMS

Recently, I found myself in a state of hormonal confusion, sobbing in bed because one of my favorite characters in a television show left (not died, just left) when a thought occurred to me. As a female teenager, I have often felt the intense and annoying symptoms of pre-menstrual syndrome, more commonly known as PMS. I am completely used to the arguments that get blown out of proportion, and the random breakdowns; therefore I know how to survive these same symptoms when the occasion calls for it. But how can a teenage boy, without prior experience to the wrath of PMS, endure his sister’s/girlfriend’s/female friend’s dangerous condition? Well, by following the five simple steps of observing, identifying, approaching, ignoring, and taking appropriate action, any teenage boy will soon excel in the art of surviving PMS.

The first rung in the ladder of survival is observing. Take special note of the suspicious friend’s actions. Warning signs of PMS include symptoms such as spontaneous crying over trivial issues, consuming vast amounts of chocolate, and randomly snapping at others for no apparent reason. Also, observing the female’s actions is not limited to searching for symptoms of her menacing disorder. Issues in her life should also be taken into account, especially major stressors such as prom, finals, jobs, and becoming the subject of an occasional mob hit. Once all of these observations have been gathered it is time for step two.

The second and most vital step in this process is the identification of PMS as the culprit behind the woman’s misbehaviors. All observations taken in step one must be carefully evaluated in order to make an accurate prognosis. All teenage boys should be warned that the female mind considers “trivial issues” differently than the mind of a teenage boy. A bad hair day, a lost relationship, or a broken nail may seem trivial to the average boy, but to a teenage girl these shortcomings signify doomsday, and the collapse of the global economic and socio-political structure. The same is true of having “no apparent reasons” for snapping at someone. Common examples of what, to a teenage boy, is “not a big deal” but is a justified reason for anger in a girl’s mind include the loss of homework assignments, ridiculous drama between friends, and chipped nail-polish.  This is also the step where the major stressors enter into the equation. Careful analysis of these stressors and the above-noted symptoms is crucial, as there is nothing worse than the incorrect assumption of PMS in one’s female friends. Beware of common overlapping symptoms (i.e. random snapping caused by exhaustion). By accounting for these overlaps, an accurate conclusion should be reached.

If the conclusion reached is indeed PMS, the third step is approaching the subject. There are certain rules that the teenage boy must abide by if he wishes to escape unscathed by the deadly demon of PMS. While it is certainly advisable to be cautious, do not avoid the friend; do not avoid eye contact; do not annoy, agitate, or irritate; and especially do not flinch when she turns to carry out a conversation. Any of these actions will put one’s welfare in extreme jeopardy, and render all of the afore-mentioned steps pointless. When approaching this extremely temperamental creature, maintain normal eye contact and gently converse with the female friend. Never suggest that the female friend is suffering from PMS.

                                                                             

Once contact has been established with the ailing friend, the process is nearly over. After approaching the direct victim of PMS, the easiest way to avoid becoming an indirect victim is to simply ignore the friend’s symptoms. While acting as if nothing is wrong, the friend will be grateful enough to spare their naïve brother/boyfriend/male friend the pain of PMS. However, do not be fooled into thinking that the female friend thinks her plight has gone unnoticed. She is completely aware of the fact that her friends are intentionally ignoring her predicament.

These initial four steps are the basic breakdown of dealing with PMS in females. However, the process is not complete until the female friend is completely over her PMS.  Careful examination of all other actions must be accomplished in the few seconds before her reaction, and the appropriate action must be taken to prevent tragedy, warfare, or a backhanded slap to the face. If necessary, the last resort is always to run like crazy and delay speaking to the female friend until the PMS is long gone, and she is in a much better mood.